I'm not a perfect person. I mess up daily. I do & say things that I regret. I get on my own case for doing things wrong. I look in the mirror and I don't feel pretty. I feel average, bordering on ugly. I see a person who is life-weary. Tired of doing things wrong.
I feel awkward around others sometimes. I'm not always true to myself. Deep down inside I want to shine. I want to talk to people and make friends. But it's buried under pain. Remembering how hard it is to be an outsider. The whispers of "Nobody likes me. Nobody cares." I start being really shy. I don't want to talk to people. I say "You're probably gonna laugh at me, but...." when I talk to my friends.
Why am I so broken? Why do I feel this way? Why do I have to be pretty much perfect to reach my own approval? What happened to my free spirit? To the times when I could laugh off those moments? Those carefree tween years full of, "Be yourself." Back then I could be myself. What's different now?
We long to hear acceptance. To see it. We look at others and think they're perfect. Maybe that's what that person thinks of you, though you know you're far from perfect.
Who is the perfect person, really? Who has everything together at every moment? Who pleases everyone? Who is never crushed in spirit?
Maybe I'm starting to see that this "perfect person" doesn't exist. Maybe I'm learning that it's okay. No one's going to be happy with you all the time, and no one will truly understand the person that you are. People may not accept me. They might think it's weird that I cried when I watched Toy Story 3 and I wish I could visit Middle Earth. But it's me. It's true. It's real. I can't keep hiding or my spirit will die.
And I know I'm not perfect. But God loves me anyway.
abbie /// xoxox